college didn't prepare us for the real world
we can talk and talk ... poverty. loneliness. angst. jealousy.
some of us let our emotions run rampant. others 'accept' them, live like 'normal' people. most of them constantly crave the other life. the grass isn't necessarily always greener, it's just something else to think about.
we get so caught up in our routine (if you have one). what we are supposed to do. heeding the advice of the man, or woman, or our parents, big brothers...
then one day, we realize we are old. we start to distance ourselves from the people who always taught us how to live. our parents become our peers. i don't think we entirely break from the omnipresence that comes with being an infant. psychologically, infants eventually accept that they are not, in fact, the rocking chair. or their mom's tit. it takes far more than that initial realization to truly understand the meaning of humility, our own uniqueness, mortality, and love.
for so many years, i looked at the world as my playground. my bouncy demeanor and fun-no-matter-what attitude was charming to most. i didn't believe it though. i did what others wanted me to believe. i became what everyone wanted, and sometimes needed.
in college, despite some claims to the contrary, i was so wrapped up in what everyone else was doing that i spent little-to-no time on my personal growth. i was so busy all of the time that i really never questioned my place. somehow i maintained some semblance of responsibility, yet i was essentially at the same maturity level when i left as i was when i enrolled. sure, i learned substantially about faith, relationships, theology, and boundaries, but i lacked the skills to put into play anything i had soaked in.
after college, i spent years talking the talk, and never walking the walk. i refused to accept who i was. i never acknowledged the need to truly gather some cold, hard facts about myself. i could give you the best advice, the words you needed, but never turned them on myself because i didn't have a clue who i was. i didn't want to know.
fresh off my 26th birthday, a few things have become clear. i won't go into detail on all the things i've learned and how they've changed my life BLAH FUCKGNGING BLAHH.
what sticks out most is there is no possible way to grow as a person, spiritually, emotionally, in any real capacity without being extraordinarily honest with yourself about who and where you are.
you might think it'd be easy to be honest with yourself, there aren't really any physical consequences to lying to yourself or not thinking about things that bother you. but, if you stay in that fog, it gets thicker and thicker every minute. it has taken me days to realize the smallest things about my life. it will take a significant amount of patience and time to really start to see and feel these changes. the movement and growth that i want and need.
my soul is begging me for them, clamoring at me every other second while comfort and habit pick up where growth leaves off. though a pretty balanced war considering the math and numbers, comfort brings tanks and air-strikes to the battlefield while change's General is the dali fucking lama.
why am i not exploring? why am i not relentlessly pursuing the things i want?
because i only exist to persist. i engage to endure.
we think life is so difficult. and guess what, it is difficult!
in the opening sentence of The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck said:
"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
it's like waking up everyday and thinking: "shit, i have to deal with gravity again today."
i'm glad things aren't easy. 95% of my life i spend wishing things were easier. accordingly, 95% percent of my life to this point has been bullshit.
the rewards that come from working hard, creating, being resilient, and seeing actual growth in yourself are worth the tough times we go through. we make them harder by dwelling on them. but, when we see it, even get a glimpse into how amazing it is to actually be alive, we understand why good things take so much work.
it's time to stop complaining.
it's time to stop ignoring ourselves, running away from the things that make up our character, hiding our bodies, dumbing ourselves down and floating through life waiting on things to change.
it's time to stop surviving, and start to experience and live. the first step is to look in the mirror and ask: "what do you really want?"
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